Carrot Cake Pissed at Similar Food Name

Today I heard a story on NPR about the Corn Refiners Association, which is lamenting the unfair treatment of High Fructose Corn Syrup, a substance we all know can be found in soda, bread, yogurt—pretty much any beloved American food.

In recent years, the CRA says, reports of the negative effects of consuming High Fructose Corn Syrup (which I will from here on call HiFu Sup), are grossly over exaggerated. Damn those obesity researchers! They would probably feel better if they just chilled on the couch with some sweet snacks.

Anyway, this brings me to my favorite part of the story. To improve the image of HiFu Sup—because for some reason people with muffin tops all over the country have stopped consuming it—the CRA wants to rename this much maligned substance.

What do they want to call it, you ask? Corn Sugar.

Corn Sugar! I can just imagine what the health-conscious masses will say. “That sounds so…healthy!” they’ll exclaim. “I’m going to supplement my balanced diet with some essential corn sugar! It can’t be bad for you; half of its name is a vegetable!”

I’m sure that those who have given up soda and sugary cereals in recent years will be delighted to know that they can in good conscience go back to consuming whatever they want. Because they’re in good hands. Delicious, sweet, Corn Sugar hands.